Doubt

Good day! (or maybe not),

I don't know if I should continue the blog. It's not because I've only had 5 followers since the very beginning. It's not because I've only had 3 responses to all 50+ blog entries I've written (of which 2 my own). It's not even because I don't know what to write anymore that makes sense.

I guess I want to stop writing the blog, because on days like these (usually weekends) I feel like I'm doing it without following up on it with actual writing. I just don't write during the weekend. I do very little during the weekend that I do during the week. Everything sort of just comes to a grinding halt. I stop working. I stop writing (which I consider my work these days). I stop exercising. I stop meditating. I stop eating healthy. I stop reading. I stop living... or at least so it seems.

And it's not really even that truly the world stops spinning. There's Alex and Nancy and all the activities that are planned with and around them. Birthday parties that always seem to be on Saturdays (there must a universal law about that I figure). There's lots of sitting at the pool hanging out with our fellow expat Swedish and American/British families. Then there's pizza. Always the pizza. Usually it's consumed while watching TV. Alex plays a lot on the computer yet still needs attention. Nancy goes of for yoga or a pedicure or facial. I guess under the pressure of everyone else winding down in all forms of daily routines, I sort of give up my own. I remain in the house and mulch.

I think it might be a matter of ego. Let's face it: everything I do during the week revolves around it. Writing the blog is my therapy, writing the book is my creative expression. Eating healthy and exercising is my discipline. Reading is my escapism. Even chores like groceries or running the household are my responsibilities. Shopping is an ego-extension and movies with popcorn is my indulgence. Weekends are for others. So why blog? Isn't that the ultimate ego boost? And yes, if no one reads or responds to it, isn't it just a form of masochistic ego deprivation (which on it's one is a just a more subtle form of ego?)

So I could say more about why I doubt, but no one is reading so I won't. I could ask you what I should do, but no one is responding so I won't. But I will continue even when I make no sense, because it doesn't. What else do I have to look forward to? Pizza?