Writer Interrupted Pending Validation

Hi,

I feel undervalued. Ever since coming back from our vacation down south I feel depressed once again and at first I wondered if it was the post-vacation blues, but now I know I feel a lack of validation. It is easy to be accepted in a role of caretaker when on vacation after all. As a father I just need to spend time with Alex, you know, swim in the pool with him, make sure he gets attention and take care of the odd ends of toilet runs, ice-cream runs and band-aid runs. As a partner I only have to make sure I do my job as a father with sufficient frequency so Nancy gets to read her Oprah in a beach chair with her Coke Zero. That's what makes her happy. Keeping Alex busy and making sure Nancy gets enough downtime to do her own thing awards me with enough reciprocations of appreciation and love.

But then the vacation is over and back are the more demanding routines of everyday life. Everyone has to adjust to things they don't really want to do: Alex has to go to school and Nancy to work, but I don't have to do anything. I am the one without a formal job. Nancy has a job and with it all the complications and stress of dealing with finances, insurances, communication and planning. She's too busy keeping her head above water. And I also know the difference between limitless attention and freedom to do what I want and having to do chores without complaints or attention. Alex is four. You can't seriously expect a child to switch one day from one to another mode of dealing with reality. So of course he's going to be all 'me me me' for a while in a desperate cry to hold on to the 24/7 attention bonanza he had.

So, basically I need to pick up the odd bits that need to be done, like claiming medical bills, doing groceries, keeping track of household money, repairing broken things in the house and making sure Alex readjusts to non-vacation time (going to school, eating dinner, going to bed etc.). I have to give from a position of assistance. It's all okay, but with everyone coping with the readjustment of R&R time to real life time, there is little validation of the job I need to do, which is writing. There is somewhat pressure to get Simon & Sally's book series launched in such a way that it will form an integrated part of our life, and not just time-wise or financially. I feel the need to tell the story, yes, but now there's added pressure to substantiate the writer in me as a part that needs to be taken into account within the family unit. Otherwise it's just a recreational experiment, which can be easily set aside for other tasks.

So yesterday I felt really depressed, because after spending time doing things for the family, there was no time / attention spent to the appreciation of the sacrificed writing. And I know it's a blow to the ego, and it is selfish to desire some recognition, but there you have it. Today I will not get anything written either as taxes needed to be sorted out and groceries have to be done, but at least I'm feeling less depressed, because I know it's my ego that desires the validation from others. As a half-hearted practicing Buddhist I refuse to condition myself to craving recognition from others of what drives me. From a shallow compliment or general 'how was your day?' to deep detailed questions/interest in who I am and what drives me every day. Having said that though, I might just blurt it out in this here blog one of these days anyway. I feel it's therapeutic, and it comes with the added bonus of not feeling guilty or ashamed because I'm personally claiming a person's time and energy. It's just out there. It could be read. It could also be ignored in the great mass of thoughts, persona's and opinions that is the modern day Internet. After all: who is reading this anyway?