Yesterday was a bust when in comes down to writing. I wrote absolutely nothing. I didn't have time. Or rather (because I hate it when people use that expression) I chose not to make time. I started off doing yoga and then getting groceries. And then I sat down for my blog. I don't want to just write every day for the sake of writing and I do feel like I have something to say about the discovery process along the way. But sometimes I also just want to say (like I did two days ago): Sorry, I have to write. Because sometimes writing the blog takes energy and motivation away from the real deal, maybe because I feel less guilty not writing or just because writing IS therapeutic and my blog-therapy has made me feel good enough about myself I no longer need to pour that into my book writing. I dunno. Stuff for another blog I would say.
The point being this time around is that after all these tasks, I had a choice. I could either park my ass down in the chair and write another couple of hundred words of Simon & Sally's Great Adventure (working title so don't bother to Google it) or I could go get my hiking boots for my jungle trip. I have to walk them in after all, if I want to come back in one piece. And I need proper preparation time for that. I decided to meditate on it. Well...not really of course. Meditation for me means listening to my breath and the sounds around me, trying to become more aware and less reactive to it. But anyway, I thought it would be good to give my eyeballs a rest and do something else than sit behind the computer (once again the threat of the blog vs. the book).
After meditation I felt I could walk to the store I had seen the boots I wanted to buy, as a precursor to the exercise I was going to commit myself to the next few weeks. I started walking along the river that runs a block away from our house, as I knew it would lead me to the store. I also figured: I've never done this before and it would be fun to explore while exercising and buy shoes. A sort of three-for-the-price-of-one experience. Well, 5 hours, 2 green tea latte's, 4 other drinks, 2 T-shirts, 5 toys for Alex, 3 Snoopy items for Nancy and a whole lot of sweat later I had my shoes, but I pissed away the remaining time of the day.
This is not the first time it's happened. And I have found relative peace with it already. A sort of 'what my body/mind/the universe needs the most I provide and try to go with the flow' kind of state of mind. A mentality where I try to balance computer time with activity time, chores with leisure, the right amount of motivation mixed with the right amount of pressure. The balance of daily activities has to feel natural. And if it doesn't: don't stress. It's all good in the end. It's the path that's important, not the goal. Live versus plan to live, etc. Blah blah blah. In the meantime a subtle fuzzy static in the back of my consciousness stirs whenever I don't get the amount of writing done that I wished for.
As I try to find the right balance, I commit myself to another day of yoga, meditation, groceries, jungle training (walking to the store with my backpack and back instead of taking the bike). In the meanwhile, Bangkok has started its 10-day 'Under Siege' state where the usual gov protests have started. I wonder where that will fit into my natural balance...
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